The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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