omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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