I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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