I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
