someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
