I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
