my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
