Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
