After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
