i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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