i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
