I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
