I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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