Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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