Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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