I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I faked an abortion last night.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
