he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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