Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
