Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
