pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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