Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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