Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
