Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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