somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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