Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I love having hate sex.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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