is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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