I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
