Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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