Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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