I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
