Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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