My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
