we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
