I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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