He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
