I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
