If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
