i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
