I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
