Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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