Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have already put on my inside pants.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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