he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
