I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize