I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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