chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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