I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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