my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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