Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
