Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Bring me that man meat
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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