For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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