Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
