my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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