My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
