JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
