I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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