Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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