Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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