You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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