There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Randomize