What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
