i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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