We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
