She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
